This past week our church hosted a Marriage Conference with Dr. Jim Binney at the Buena Vista Palace Resort in Orlando, FL. We had a wonderful time with 27 couples from our church. Dr. Binney spoke on several topics like communication, trust, growing your love and many others important marital issues. Here are the notes that I took from our sessions on Friday.
This is very much just the hard data copied and pasted straight from my iPad. Over the next few weeks I will pick and choose some of the most important points and explain it in depth.
We act on what we feel, we feel what we believe is truth. The foundation of love and marriage is Truth not emotion.
Doctrine > Heart > Obedience
Romans 6:17 “Ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you.”
Most marriages skip the fist step: Doctrine (Truth)
Jeremiah 1:10 (Four Negatives) Root Out, Pull Down, Destroy, Throw Down If you are going to build up a house, you have to tear down the timbers that are rotting, and then you can begin to build.
“The problem with Christians is that no one wants to kill them anymore”
We all have three basic needs:
All of these needs are met in God
(Colossians 2: we are complete in Him)
What is your eternal purpose? What do you do with you life that will last for eternity?
Corinthians 3:5 “Our sufficiency is of God”
Everything you need you can find in God.
When we turn from receiving our love from God and expect it from our spouse we do two things:
1. Unfair- You wont let God provide your love, but you expect a person to.
2. Dangerous – When you put a human before God, he becomes a false God and an idol.
When you turn your back on God and expect all of your needs to be fulfilled by your spouse, you are dooming your marriage.
There are incorrect beliefs that we have that sound righteous.
Example: “Marriage will make me happy and fulfilled.” – this often becomes the soul focus for happiness.
“The honeymoon flame will last forever.” – Peter said that we should love one another fervently. (with zest & passion)
Levels of Marriage
1. Romance (Dating and Newlywed)
2. Reality (4-7 years)
3. Regression (8-20 years) (Hope Differed maketh the heart sick)
90% of Divorces take place here Many people divorce to try again to find someone else who will love them as much as they love themselves.
4. Rekindling (Revival) The rekindling will not go back to the original level of “romance”.
Filling of the spirit will begin this process.
Three levels of the love triangle:
Eros – Physical Love – Erotic
Philo – Emotional Love – Feelings
Agape – Spiritual Love – Service (The son of God came not to be ministered unto, but to minister)
When we serve our spouse we are more fulfilled in our love than any other way.
Marriage Love in the word of God always uses Agape Except for Titus 2, where the wife is to Phileo her husband and children.
This is a missing ministry: For older women to come along side the younger women and teach them how to love their husbands and their children.
When it comes to love, most people you cannot teach a thing.
God is love, the more that we know God the more we will know love
Complicated problems generally have simple solutions.
** Feelings are the dividends that God pays on the investment of obedience.**
When you decide that you are going to obey God then you will have more feelings accidentally than you will have if you leave God and try to find those feelings apart from God.
Myth: “Everything depends on whether or not you marry the right person”
We tell our children: “Write down everything that you want in marriage, instead of telling them write down everything you want to be in marriage.”
Myth: “Love is the basis for marriage.” “Feelings are the basis for marriage” (so when the feelings stop, they move on to find the feelings somewhere else)
“Most people are in love with love, not in love with a person.*
Myth: “The real problem in our marriage is my mate, if my mate would change, then everything would be alright.
” Show me a person with a critical spirit, and I will show you a person with unresolved Guilt.
don’t say “I Cant” say: “I won’t”
“I married the wrong person”
There is no such thing as a “state of sin” Once the sin is put under the blood, and is confessed as a sin,
“Asked forgiveness” is not in the Bible.
I John 1:9 does not refer to “Asking for forgiveness” it refers to “saying the same thing about your sin that Gods says”
Confessions means to enter into Gods feelings about my sin.
Myth: “There is no hope and God cannot change our marriage”
Second Half of the Day
Four Elements of Communication:
1. Facts (generally men)
2. Feelings (generally women)
In order for a man to know his wife’s thoughts, he must first listen to her feelings… In order for a woman to know her husbands feelings, he must first know his thoughts.
3. Perceptions: (The conclusion that I form from the facts and feelings that they generate in me)
Men try to claim that they are not emotional, then why is it so easy for a man to get angry? Anger is a selfish emotion. Love is a selfless emotion.
We are all emotional, we must learn to control and channel our emotions.
The greatest need of a wife is measured by the greatest responsibility of a man. That responsibility is to LOVE. (Ephesians: Husbands LOVE YOUR WIFE) The greatest need of a husband is measured by the greatest responsibility of a wife. (Submit)
Satan wants us to sit back and wait on our mate to minister to us.
Mercy has 3 elements:
1. A decisive and Deliberate Decision
2. A Shared Pain
3. Always results in an Action
There ought not be a safer place for your spouse than in the arms and attention of yourself. (this is done through mercy)
To Trust or to Distrust Can we trust Man?
Cursed is the man who trusts in man.
Some trust in horses, some in Chariots, but we will trust in the name of our God.
I Peter 2:18-ff This was written after the burning of Rome by Nero. That action by Nero led to persecution all over the known world at that time.
Jesus did not trust in Pilot, He trusted God. Jesus trusted through Pilot, ultimately trusting God. ****
I Peter 3:5 “Who trusted in God”, “being in subjection unto their own husbands”
We are not commanded to trust in our spouse but to trust in God by ministering to our spouse. The moment that you remove the line of demarkation from a position of authority, you lose
Don’t blur the line between your position and your personality.
******* I Peter 3:7 “Dwell, with them according to knowledge.”
Our wife is the weaker vessel: Not Spiritually, or intellectually, but emotionally. Men think logically, but women think emotionally. Eve was deceived but Adam chose to sin.
Adam did not protect his wife understanding her emotional struggle, instead he layed over and died.
As husbands we must esteem our wives.
God works from the top down, (From the husband to the children)
Satan works from the bottom up. (From the children or the wife up)
As the husband we must protect our wife and children by esteeming them.
How do you esteem your wife?
1. Give honor to the wife Choose to honor her with your thoughts.
Put the best thoughts about her on the front of your mind, and put the worst thoughts about her, OUT of your mind. I Timothy 2:12 The wife should not lead.
When I conform to Jesus and my wife conforms to me, she then is conformed to Christ.
I Thessalonians 3:12 1
“Increase and abound in love…”